Kari's Keen Knowledge

On average, 50% of marriages end in divorce- with that percentage growing every year. For those who remarry, their chances of a second divorce increase to 60% and rise with every subsequent marriage.

If you're reading this, then you probably have children involved in a custody dispute or have gone through one. It is a nasty, draining, emotionally taxing and faith building ordeal. I say faith building because without praying and belief in an ultimate plan, this time in your life will be even darker than you could possibly imagine.

You may be reading this looking for legal advice, all I can say is find a good lawyer and take their advice-even if they suggest moving and disappearing-if you have the monetary means to adhere to their suggestions, do so.

For those of you already stuck in a world of legality and judgment, here are some helpful hints to try to stay positive.

I know that at this time, your true cause: what's in the children's best interest, seems to be lost. For the most part-it is. Despite what you may hope, your lawyer does not have a personal interest in you-and neither will judge or jury.

Try, as hard as it may be, to accept that unless you have the money to fix just about any given problem-the court will settle in the middle-evidence aside. I know this is hard and you're probably reading this through tears-but it's the hard truth of the matter. Keep in mind I'm not saying to give up-the best advice I can give you is to document everything and always make duplicates! But lets be realistic, this probably isn't going to end the exact way you want it to. So here are some tips that you can do to try to sleep more easily and give your child a more stress free environment:

1. Do not talk about the other parent in a negative context in front of or to your child-no matter the situation.
   
2. Keep yourself calm and your demeanor pleasant in front of your child when in the presence of the other parent. Even though this may be a facade, do it well enough to give your child the sense that everything is all right and that she is not the source of tension.
3. Do give your child a picture or item that will remind them of you. Children often feel alone when not in their everyday environment. I recommend for younger children a teddy bear with a built in picture frame. Not only does it give them something to cuddle, but it saves them from having to carry a bulky picture frame.
4. Make peace with the decision the Judge has made. You still need to live your life, and living it in spite will only cause you to become bitter and old. Live with passion and joy-your child will see your attitude and mirror it.
5. Spend your time wisely when around your child. And when the other parent has custody, spend quality time with your significant other. Try not to wallow in despair and fear while your child is away from you. The stress will damage your health and the health of your relationship.
   
6. If you're unfortunate enough to have reason to fear abuse for your child; try not to start an inquisition every time you pick them up. Keep a close eye for physical, emotional, and mental signals that may indicate abuse, and ask open-ended questions. Ex: "How do you feel when you're with ---?" or "Have you ever been in a situation that you didn't like? Tell me about it." Stay calm and don't panic if you get a "yes." Alert authorities and follow the procedures they instruct. Always record and document everything. If your child is an infant, exam them when they get home.

• Your child's demeanor is consistently different in a negative and remote way.
  
• Your child refuses to discuss events that happened while out of your custody.
• Your child avoids physical contact.
  
• Your child wears out of season clothes such as long sleeved shirts in summer.
• Eating disorders.

Another important thing to keep in mind: Eventually-this will all be over with.

The key to getting through it is behaving in a manner that represents responsibility and level-headed thinking.

In keeping with the courts decisions, understand that flexibility is a necessity. There will be special occasions that either you or the other custodial parent will request the child to attend. Allowing this give and take will help to ease this 18 year arrangement. In saying that, I'm not suggesting you give up a weekend-simply rearrange the weekends to where they are still equal, just not every other. This means you may have to go two weekends without in a row, but at the end of the month you'll have two straight weekends to yourself with your child.

You may or may not find that dealing with custody issues makes you a more spiritual individual. If it does, I highly recommend prayer. Ask friends and family to support you-it truly makes a difference. If you're not, surround yourself with loved ones who will listen and support you and you will survive!